If you’ve ever hit “publish” and immediately wanted to crawl out of your skin…
If you’ve ever deleted a post that felt too much because your stomach dropped the second it went live…
If you’ve ever crafted something bold, honest, and powerful—only to backspace it into something safer...
This post is for you.
Because I know exactly what it feels like to have something big to say…
and still feel the gut-punch fear of:
“What if they misunderstand me?”
“What if someone comes for me?”
“Will I get in trouble if I say this?”
The truth is: It’s not just about the haters.
It’s about the fear of what hate could mean for you.
And if you’re anything like my clients (and like me years ago), you might not even realize how much this fear is still shaping your voice online.
So today, I want to show you how to finally say what you actually want online—without spiraling over backlash, haters, or judgment.
This is the exact process I’ve used to go from:
Nervous-system shutdown after my first hate comment...
To:
Saying bold, polarizing, unhinged hot takes on the internet daily—with zero overexplaining and zero panic.
First: Why the fear of haters hits so deep
Let me take you back to 2018.
I had just posted my very first blog post. Ever. It was a vulnerable story about why I was walking away from my medical career.
It was raw, honest, and real, and I intentionally centered the story around my own story not about the flaws in the medical system. It was a me story. Not a hospital system story.
The response was mostly beautiful. People resonated and were inspired. They sent kind messages. Told me I was brave. It felt so nice to be seen and to express myself online.
Then one day, I logged into my WordPress and saw The Comment.
It said something along the lines of…
“Shame on you for leaving. You took someone’s spot in med school. Who’s going to pay back your loans now—your parents?”
Anonymous, of course. Because they always are.
And my nervous system collapsed. I felt frozen. My chest was tight. My stomach turned. Suddenly my whole body was convinced I was unsafe.
And that’s the part most people don’t talk about:
It’s not just mental. It’s somatic.
The fear of haters doesn’t just live in your head. It lives in your body. In your trauma. In your inner child. In your nervous system.
You can’t just “stop caring what people think about you”.
It’s much deeper than that. And if you don’t know how to work with it, you will keep watering yourself down.
The real reason you’re holding back
It’s not so much that we are scared of random people on the internet saying mean things to us. Logically we can know- strangers on the internet don’t matter.
Usually the fear goes deeper and is more subconscious than that.
We are scared that:
Being misunderstood = being unsafe
Saying the wrong thing = getting in trouble
Ruffling feathers = losing belonging
A negative comment = proof you’re not good enough
The fear is deep and primal going into our survival needs.
So how do you work with this?
Let’s break it down.
I use a 3-part framework with my clients (and myself) to not just deal with haters, but to heal through haters. We use my Inner CEO framework.
C= cognitive (mind)
E = emotional (body + nervous system)
O = oneness (soul)
I’m going to do it in CEO order here, but truthfully for haters- you’ll need to start with E, because the somatic is the most important here.
🧠 1. COGNITIVE: Rewire good girl conditioning
The reason you feel so scared of hate comments is the internalized belief that if someone doesn’t approve of you, you’ve done something wrong.
That if someone gets upset or disagrees, you must’ve crossed a line.
That if anyone, anywhere on the internet thinks badly of you… you’re in trouble.
That’s not logic.
That’s “good girl” conditioning.
“If I ruffle feathers, I must have done something wrong.”
“If someone doesn’t like what I said, I need to fix it.”
“If I speak too boldly, I’ll be punished.”
You were trained to believe that your job is to be liked.
To be agreeable.
To be polite.
To be understandable.
To say things in a way that no one could possibly find offensive, confusing, or polarizing.
Because anything else? Feels dangerous.
That’s why you might feel the urge to overexplain, to defend, to justify yourself online—when no one even asked you to.
That’s why your brain spirals into “What if I said it wrong?” or “Should I take this down?”
Here’s the truth:
You are not here to be the good girl.
You are not here to be approved of by everyone.
You’re allowed to ruffle feathers.
You’re allowed to be misunderstood.
You’re even allowed to piss people off.
And you’re still safe.
2. EMOTIONAL: Regulate the nervous system
Your nervous system might still interpret online disagreement as threat. Why?
Because at some point in your life, being judged did equal danger.
You were punished, excluded, shamed, silenced.
Your body remembers.
So when a comment comes in—or even the thought of one—your nevous system gets activated.
You need to give your body a new experience. You need to teach it:
“Hey. I’m safe now. We’re not 12. We’re not being bullied in 7th grade. I’ve got you.”
I use tools like tapping, breathwork, and co-regulation inside communities to make this feel real—not just conceptual.
Some of my most healing moments came from sharing my “hater” comments inside of mastermind communities.
Having other entrepreneurs, who know my heart, and know the world of online business- look at a comment and say…
That’s not true. I know you. I know who you are. That’s not what you are about. That comment has nothing to do with you.
To have people see me, and let me know- you are still safe. This one comment does not mean you will be ostracized from the tribe. That is so healing.
Because getting hate comments- is deeply intertwined with our fear of rejection and our need for belonging- coregulating is such a necessary step.
3. ONENESS: Own your shadows and triggers
So far, we’ve talked about how to regulate yourself, stay calm and gain perspective on the situation.
Now we get into the juicy part. How to heal through the haters. This is ninja level stuff.
It’s where we use this opportunity to look for what is still unhealed within you.
Because —not every comment will trigger you.
If someone commented on your post something nonsensical like:
“You don’t have what it takes to be a dolphin trainer”
You’d probably laugh.
Why?
Because it makes no sense. It doesn’t land. It doesn’t touch anything in you.
But when someone says something that does land—something that pokes at a place where you’re still not fully integrated or clear or grounded—it hurts.
It gets in. It activates you.
And that’s when you get to pause and ask:
“Why did this trigger me?”
Not from a place of self-blame.
But from a place of radical self-awareness.
Here’s the truth:
The comment is a reflection of them—their wounds, projections, misunderstandings.
Your reaction to their comment? That’s a reflection of you—your unresolved experiences, your tender spots, your shadow.
That doesn’t make you wrong. It makes you human.
But it also gives you your power back.
Because now?
You can look at what’s being mirrored—and choose to heal it.
What this looked like for me:
When I got my first hater and went into total nervous system collapse.
Later, I realized: “Oh—this isn’t just about this comment.
I was cyberbullied in seventh grade. I forgot about that.”
That pain was still in my body—and this comment found it.
That’s the oneness piece.
That’s shadow work.
It’s not about the hater. It’s about what part of you is ready to be witnessed, healed, and integrated.
And every time you do that?
You remove one more internal hook.
You pull out the thorn that used to make you flinch.
You become a little more centered, a little more unshakeable, a little more free.
Not from bypassing.
Not from pretending.
But from actually healing the places in you that were scared to be seen.
You don’t have to do this deep work every time.
But if you choose to, you can use these triggers to become more whole.
That’s what it means to heal through haters.
It’s not about thicker skin, it’s about deeper roots.
The work is not about becoming “unbothered.”
It’s about becoming so anchored in your truth that no comment can shake you.
Because here’s the thing:
The bolder you are, the louder they get.
But also:
The bolder you are, the clearer your people hear you.
And if you water it down to keep it safe—you risk saying nothing at all.
If this post spoke to you…
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